As a kid, I was always pretty bossy. Bossiness comes naturally to me, and I don’t worry about it anymore.

As an adult, though, if you start tryna boss me? Or if you lay out a clearly devised how-to plan? I will deviate from the start.

Now that some people are trying to defy the “wear a mask” recommendation, I realize how juvenile I’ve been, in many ways.

It’s both the confidence and naivete of youth that bolsters my defiance. This year, I turn fifty and I find my confidence sometimes dwindling more than I’d like to admit. Defiance takes energy and an attitude of “fuck-all,” which pretty well sums up the first half of my life.

My therapist knew better than to lay out some treatment plan, or well-researched proven therapy. I’d have scoffed at it, discounted her medical and psychiatry degrees and her relevance to me. She met me for the first time when I was in a time of crisis, and she knew better than to “boss me” – she knew this instinctively, or through her training maybe, but she knew.

Four and a half years later, still without a clear roadmap of how long I’ll “need” to see her, or what I should be “working on” … I look forward to my once weekly sessions with her. We’ve developed a mutual trust, and I appreciate having a sounding board when I start to spin out or get way too hard on myself. But she still doesn’t “boss” me, or even offer up anything that I don’t bring up first – in regards to questions about therapies, or areas of exploration for us to delve into.

In some ways, there is great relief in “following Doctor’s orders”, speaking from experience. But not always. Also speaking from experience, there is great fun in defying doctor’s orders too. But not for long, typically.